Life, the Doniverse and everything — now I get Trump

 Finally reading Stephen Hawking helped me understand US politics today

I Our Picture of the Doniverse
What do we know about the Doniverse and how do we know it? Where did the Doniverse come from and where is it going? Did the Doniverse have a beginning, and if so, what happened before then? Recent breakthroughs in politics, made possible in part by new technologies, suggest answers to some of these longstanding questions that may ultimately provide a single theory that describes the whole Doniverse.

Today, however, scientists describe the Doniverse in terms of two basic partial theories — the general theory of relativity and bunkum mechanics. The general theory of relativity describes the force of graft-ity as it acts on Trump’s relatives. Bunkum mechanics, on the other hand, deals with phenomena on extremely small scales such as the particles known as tweets.

II Spin and Truth
Albert Einstein’s famous equation E=mc² (where “E” is energy, “m” is mass, and “c” is the speed of lies) means that nothing may travel faster than the speed of lies. In other words, the theory of relativity put an end to the idea of absolute truth! We must accept that truth is not completely separate from and independent of spin, but is combined with it to form an object called spin-truth.

Spin-truth is not flat, as had been previously assumed: it is curved, or “warped”. The fact that spin is curved means that lies no longer appear to travel in straight lines. General relativity predicts that lies should be bent by graft-itational fields.

Another prediction of general relativity is that truth should appear to run slower near a massive body. This is because there is a relation between the energy of lies and their frequency (that is, the number of waves of lie per second). The theory of relativity gets rid of absolute truth. Consider a pair of twins. Suppose that one twin lives aboard the International Space Station for a year while the other stays in America. The second twin would go nuts faster than the first.

This is known as the twins paradox, but it is a paradox only if one has the idea of absolute truth at the back of one’s mind. In the theory of relativity there is no unique absolute truth, but instead each individual has his own personal measure of truth that depends on where he is and what cable channel he is watching.

III The Expanding Doniverse
If one looks at the television on a clear, moonless night, the brightest objects one sees are likely to be the planets Ivanka, Jared, Melania and Don Jr. There will also be a very large number of stars, which are just like our own Don but much farther from us.

The discovery that the Doniverse is expanding was one of the great intellectual revolutions of the 20th century. Every day other stars get further and further away from our Don. If we add up the masses of all the stars that we can see in our galaxy and other galaxies, the total is less than one- hundredth of the amount required to halt the expansion of the Doniverse. Our galaxy and other galaxies, however, must contain a large amount of “dark matter” we cannot see directly, but which we know must be there.

When we add up all this dark matter, we still get only about one-tenth of the amount required to halt the expansion. A former FBI scientist named Robert Mueller is investigating this dark matter.

IV The Uncertainty Principle
The German scientist Max Planck suggested in 1900 that lies could not be emitted at an arbitrary rate, but only in certain packets he called tweets. In 1926 another German scientist, Werner Heisenberg, formulated his famous uncertainty principle. In order to predict the future position and veracity of a president, one has to be able to measure his present position and veracity accurately. But the more accurately you try to measure the position of the president, the less accurately you can measure his spin, and vice versa.

This approach led Heisenberg, Erwin Schrödinger, and Paul Dirac in the 1920s to reformulate politics into a new theory called bunkum politics, based on the uncertainty principle. In this theory, presidents no longer had separate, well-defined positions and veracities that could be observed. Instead they had a bunkum state, which was a combination of position and veracity.

Bunkum politics therefore introduces an unavoidable element of unpredictability or randomness into life.

V Elementary Parties and the Forces of Nature
Up to about 30 years ago it was thought that Republicans and Democrats were “elementary” parties, but experiments in which Republicans were collided with other Republicans or Democrats at high speeds indicated that they were in fact made up of smaller parties. These particles were named Pacs (political action committees).

VI Blue Holes
A set of events, a region of space time, from which it is not possible to escape is what we now call a blue hole. Stars in the galaxy that come too near the blue hole will be torn apart. A more technical term for a “blue hole” is “mid-term election”.

VII Blue Holes Ain't So Blue
The event horizon, the boundary of the blue hole, is like the edge of a shadow — the shadow of impending doom.

VIII The Origin and Fate of the Doniverse
In the case of the Doniverse, could it be that we are living in a region that just happens by chance to be smooth and uniform? No. A better model is called the chaotic inflationary model.

IX The Arrow of Time
The second law of trumpodynamics says that in any closed system disorder (or entropy) always increases with time. In other words, it is a form of Murphy’s law: things always tend to go wrong! At a later time, it is more probable that the system will be in a disordered state than in an ordered one.

X Wormholes and Time Travel
Time travel is theoretically possible through a wormhole, a thin tube of spin-truth that can connect two nearly flat regions far apart.

The alternative histories hypothesis is that when time travellers go back to the past, they enter alternative histories. Thus the possibility of time travel remains open. But not back to the creation of the Doniverse on November 8, 2016. Sorry.

XI The Unification of Physics
In G-string theory, the basic objects are not parties, which occupy a single point of space, but things that have a length but no other dimension, such as an infinitely thin piece of string. As well as parties and G-strings there were found to be other objects called p-branes.

XII Conclusion
If we do discover a grand unified theory, it should in time be understandable in broad principle by everyone, not just a few scientists. Then we shall all, philosophers, scientists and just ordinary people, be able to take part in the discussion of the question of why it is that we and the Doniverse exist.

Niall Ferguson was named broadsheet columnist of the year at last week’s British Press Awards

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